DC Hires Old Jewish Lady to Increase Sex Appeal

I wish I had been in the marketing meeting where this one was thought up. How do we get people to think of DC as a sexy destination? Get someone who talks about sex. Oprah? Too expensive. Dr. Drew? Too many reality tv and addiction associations. Dan Savage? Too partisan and waaaay too gay. There is a sigh of exhaustion in the room, when someone says over the din, “Wait. Get me Dr. Ruth Westheimer on the phone.”

That’s right, everyone’s favorite 82-year old, former Haganah sniper and legendary sex therapist is Destination DC‘s new spokesperson for a campaign to run around Valentine’s Day. She will get an official title as “Secretary of Love and Relationships” and the campaign will make clever use of phrases like “stimulus plan” and if they get really desperate, “reconciliation conference,” “solicitor general” and “Dick Armey.”

Personally I think this is a genius idea. For a town like Washington, we need someone like Dr. Ruth to help us openly acknowledge our sexuality. The old trope is that in DC power is the ultimate aphrodisiac — but Dr. Ruth reminds us that since we can’t all be powerful, there are powered accessories that can help us out. Plus, in case you get nosebleeds or go deaf and numb after sex, she’s your go-to-lady. Face it. She’s 82 years old and from Nazis to nymphos, she’s probably seen and heard it all. There’s very few kinks one could find in Penthouse Forum or the House of Representatives that could throw her.

It’s nice to see DC re-embracing its sexual side. After the over-sexed Clinton years the Bush administration was one, long latency period. We went from one extreme to the other. Dr. Ruth is a welcome reminder that sex in DC need not be either scandalous and sinful or so sacrosanct that it can only be mentioned in the context of abstinence education. Heck, it is a healthy activity for consenting adults. A great way to spend the weekend.

So welcome to Washington, Dr. Ruth! We look forward to your advice — liberals will love you for your tolerance of all types, and conservatives will certainly admire your ability to assemble and fire a Sten Automatic rifle blindfolded in under a minute.