Why I’ll Never Make The Hill’s 50 Most Beautiful People List

I didn’t make The Hill‘s 50 Most Beautiful People List. Again.

Every year, I think, maybe this time I’ll look Southern, Republican, and heteronormatively pretty enough… But, alas, no.

Having reviewed the profiles, I think I’ve figured it out. So let me try again.

I’ve been crafting the kind of non-threatening statements about hard work and hair styles that clog the list:
I think it’s so important to remember where you come from. (It’s true, I do.)
If at first you don’t succeed, use your family’s connections. (If only…)
For professional reasons, my hair needed to get much dykier.
Perhaps my Hill-speak could use some work.

Maybe there’s hope, though, for a big lez such as myself. Hot Hill Guy #19 is named the “DC Cowboy.”  Now, the DC Cowboys have been welcomed to our Purim party the past few years, bringing their bare-chested, cowboy gaiety to the drag-happy annual ball. (Maybe that’s why #19 talks about loving his daily gym trips? Got to stay in shape for those big dance numbers.) I knew the guys had day jobs, but I had no idea they would include working for a senator who scored a big , whopping goose egg on the HRC’s Scorecard, due to his virulently anti-gay positions. On everything.

Now, I’ll have to pretend I’m not from blue-state mecca cities like Chicago and Boston. I did spend a weekend in college at a speech tournament in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Does that count? I’m okay at accents, but I’m pretty sure I twang more toward the Carolinas than ‘bama. Maybe I can get some farmer cred’ for a cracker jack Wisconsin dialect?

On this whole hometown issue, I’m going to need a clarification on something: a number of the Beautiful People mentioned how transient this city is, where everyone is from somewhere else. If everyone is from somewhere else, does that mean I have to pretend I don’t know about the other half of the city, or do I just need to never visit those areas?

Just when I’m starting to think I might have a chance for next year’s list, my hopes are dashed. A highly-non-scientific, random clicking of profiles did not turn up even one Jewish name. “Cohen” will never work on the list for an unknown like me. Coleman? Cooper? Clinton? (Wait, the latter? Too Jewish.)

Friday, GLOE  is proud to be going to Congress and the White House with Keshet to talk about our Jewish social justice work, with 170 grassroots leaders from around the country. Our contingent specifically will be talking about the issues that affect LGBTQ Jews, and how we can use our approaches to address the nation’s biggest challenges, as they come up in housing, education, hunger and health care. (You can follow the day’s events on Friday with live Tweets under #JewsAtTheWH and #JewishSocialJustice.)

I hope that – at least on Friday – a list of the 50 Most Beautiful People on the Hill would look a little bit different.

Maybe I’ll just make my own list…